I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
