I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
