i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
