Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
