I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
