I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
