I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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