i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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