just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
