just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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