Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
