I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
