Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
