She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
