A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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