i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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