She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
