Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
