Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
