New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
