I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
