Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
