maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
