fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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