So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
