Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
