I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
