Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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