I checked into jail on foursquare
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
