Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
