Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
