She is in my trunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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