I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
