His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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