Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
