I wish my penis had an off switch
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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