I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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