id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
