his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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