I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
