I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
