My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
