grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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