Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
