What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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