The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
