a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
