He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
