so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
