i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Quick, to the slutcave!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You did what with his pubic hair?
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