dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
