hotel room ftw
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
