i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
