theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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